The Grief of Chronic Shame
Recently, I’ve been thinking about early experiences with caregivers that lead to insecure attachment and the formation of chronic shame. We know experiences of overt shaming, neglect, chronic misattunement, or a lack of relational repair, are reflections of the caregivers own relational injuries and likely reflect their own early experiences with their caregivers, and their own insecure attachment and chronic shame. Another, possibly less obvious avenue of chronic shame creation, than say, overt shaming or neglect in early life, is through objectification. Hooten (2019) writes, “A child that is objectified, whether adored or criticized, who is evaluated instead of being joined in their energetic and emotional state, produces a state of disconnection and shame” (p. 33). I see the evidence of this clearly in the many folks I sit with in my clinical practice which focuses on the healing of trauma, specifically relational trauma.
As I consider the effect of these early experiences, I am reminded of a quote from O.B. Epstein (2022) that for the child, these interactions form “…micro-moments of accumulated grief which never seem to go away, quite the opposite; they will continue to generate a sense of insecurity and shame in the growing child and be present during adulthood” (p. 48-49). This linking of shame and grief has real clinical relevance in the healing of chronic shame, because at some point in the treatment, as the client comes to see and better understand the multitude of ways that the unseen hand of chronic shame has formed, guided, and limited their life, both past and present, a real grief and sadness will emerge. In this expanding understanding of their life and the ongoing impact of chronic shame in it, there will be a grieving and reconciling of missed opportunities, possibilities, relationships, and how compromised their sense of feeling free and creative and solid in what Bromberg (2017) calls the “…unique pleasure of oneness…” (p. 19) has been due to chronic shame. Although this part of the healing can feel overwhelming and unending for clients, clinically, I see it as an indicator of their increased capacity, and progress in their healing, which brings the promise of not just decreased chronic shame symptoms, but an increased stability and comfort in themselves, which has been largely elusive.
References:
Epstein, O. B. (Ed.). (2022). Shame Matters: Attachment and Relational Perspectives for Psychotherapists. Routledge.
Hooten, J. (2019). Shame: An Existential Wound. The Knowing Field. (10), p.29-44.
Solomon, M. F., & Siegel, D. J. (2017). How People Change: Relationships and Neuroplasticity in Psychotherapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.